There is a scene in ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ where Richie, the teenage tennis prodigy, has a complete meltdown on the tennis court. ‘He’s taken both of his shoes off and one of his socks…actually, I think he’s crying’ the commenatators say.

If my attempts to put Ben to sleep were a televised event, a nightly sporting event or a game show with commentators they would have said almost the exact same thing about me the other night.

‘Welcome back to another edition of “Will Ben Sleep” where as always we track the hilariously frustrating attempts of Ben’s Dad to try to peacefully, speedily and successfully put Ben to sleep. We know Ben has been extremely tough to break down in the last few nights, some might say he’s becoming more stubborn by the hour. Will we see a break through tonight or will this stubborn mule of a baby continue to frustrate and enrage his father? We’re about to find out.’

‘Before we get started, lets grab a quick word with Ben’s Dad’

‘Yeah look, I don’t have many options really or a plan or anything, just going to try to put him to sleep. Simple as that. I know his gameplan, I know what he’s going to try to do but I feel like I’m ready for him and I should be back downstairs relaxed in ten minutes tops.’

6:30

‘Well, it looks like, despite his original plan of waiting until 7pm to start the sleep process, Ben’s Dad has already shown a startling lack of patience and is going to kick things off early. Half an hour ahead of schedule, Ben is already in his night time nappy and is being prepped for his night time feed.’

‘He’s in postion, nappy changed, sleep suit engaged and bottle at the ready but Ben doesn’t seem to want to take any of the bottle. We’ve seen this before and if recent history is anything to go by, Ben’s Dad is starting to get very, very worried. The night time feed is the cornerstone of his sleep strategy, without it, he may be in some trouble.’

‘After a quick re-position, a second attempt is made to feed. Ben looks like he’s smiling, like he’s just happy to be here and happy to be in the company of people which, from what we’ve been led to believe, is in direct contradiction to the absolute meltdown he just had in the living room’

‘Success! He is feeding or at the very least, giving the impression that he is. This may be a part of some long con that Ben is playing out, we’ll have to wait and see. His eyes are beginning to close, ladies and gentlemen we could be in for a record time!’

6:40

‘Ben is refusing to let go of the bottle and the vice like grip on his Dad’s right index finger, managing to somehow maintain the grip while similtaneously stabbing repeatedly with his talon like fingernails. The eyes have been closing for 10 minutes now but he is still fighting it. Like a babyface wrestler in a devasting submission hold, he will not let his hand drop for a third time. He. Will. Not. Quit. We carry on.’

6:50

‘Ben’s Dad seems more patient than usual. Could this be part of a new strategy? We know he has nowhere to go maybe he’s using that to his advantage? He has a look in his eyes that says “take your time boy, I’m perfectly capable of waiting you out”. All he has to do is sit tight, keep the feeding going, stay still and wait.’

6:51

‘Well, Ben’s Dad has given up on the new patient strategy. He’s up and he’s carrying Ben into his bedroom, he’s going to the second sleep location. He’s taking things up another notch’

7:05

‘After another dose of feeding it really looks like Ben has a one way ticket to sleepy town and the train is about to reach its destination. All his Dad has to do is safely move Ben from his arms into the cot and we will have a result. He’s moving towards the cot, he’s leaning down preparing to make the deposit. But what’s this? Why is he stopping? WIND! He has to try vanquish the wind! He hoists Ben over his shoulder and tries to perform the impossible task of winding a baby while keeping him sleepy’

7:10

‘The auxilliary feed is underway. Surely Ben doesn’t have much left, he was so close to sleeping not 10 minutes ago. If he had a manager, they would surely be about to throw in the towel. This one is surely over. And it looks like Ben’s Dad thinks the same! He’s making a quick drop off. He fumbles trying to lay the baby down in the cot while trying not to flip the baby over in the act of getting his arm out from under him. Oh no! He’s been too cavalier! Ben is awake!’

7:15

‘Ben is in complete control here. The sleepy train has blown straight past Sleepy Town and is headed straight for Wide Awakesville where the population is one and that one is loving life right now. Flailing, singing, thrashing, everything is on the table now, Ben has energy to burn and he’s going to burn it.’

7:20

‘The emergency double auxilliary feed has slowed Ben down. But not much. He still resembles a red headed tasmanian devil in a onsie. Ben has one more trick up his sleeve though. RAGE!’

7:25

‘The dreaded over tired rage has taken over Ben. His Dad tries to console him but he’s not having any of it. “You need to sleep” Ben’s Dad says. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh” Ben replies.’

7:30

‘Ben’s Mam has come to attempt a rescue but Ben’s Dad isn’t having it. He can’t let her swoop in and claim a cheap victory after all his meaningless hard work. She sneaks back out of the room.’

7:40

‘The rage has subsided. Ben is settling down now and I think we will see another drop off attempt at any moment. Here he goes…He’s in! He’s in the cot. He’s not asleep but at least he’s not in a violent rage anymore’

7:50

‘We may be looking at a broken man. Ben’s Dad has taken both of his shoes off. He appears to be hiding behind the cot to try to prevent Ben from seeing him but also repeatedly sticking his head into view to see if the baby is asleep yet at which point his big bald head is stupidly visible. Not the best strategy you would think but he does do the exact same thing every night. He’s becoming increasingly frustrated. Sock number one is coming off now. There’s the patented shoulder slump. Ben just doesn’t look like he’s going to sleep tonight.”

7:55

‘Do you belive in miracles?!? He’s asleep! Just when all hope was lost. Ben’s Dad sneaks out of the room, ten years older than he was when he entered but victorious. He will have to do it all again tomorrow but we won’t bother him with that just now.