We’re just around the corner from Baby Ben being four weeks old so I reached out to FIFA to get me an accurate report card for the boy. I in no way made this myself.
Let me quickly run through the numbers and explain why some might look higher or lower than you might be expecting.
Cuddles – 90. This should be 99 but every once in a while the boy turns into a monster and head butts me and tries to eat me. When that doesn’t work he can legitimately growl at me. So we’ll go with 90.
Volume – 84. When he really wants to, the boy can really bring on the volume. For the most part he is quiet. Quiet for a baby is relative. I put my ear to his mouth while he was screaming the other day because I thought it would be funny. Whether it was funny or not was not my immediate concern, whether I was ever going to be able to hear again was.
Sleep – 81. The boy can sleep and has to this point been quite good at sleeping for a few hours at a time. But those times that he doesn’t? It can feel like he’s been awake for days and you are suddenly certain that if you had a magic lamp the first wish you would ask for is for the big blue genie to knock the boy out because it’s 3am and he’s showing no signs of getting some shut eye.
Hunger – 92. As I’m writing this, the boy is looking for food. When you’re reading this, the boy will be looking for food. Hunger is definitely one of his great qualities. He will feed and feed and just when you think he’s done and he has passed out? Like a monster in a horror movie or the terminator, he comes back from the dead and wants more food.
Patience – 57. This is the only number that feels generous. He is not patient.
Strength – 85. He’s surprisingly strong for someone with no neck muscles. In his never ending search for food, when he realises that I’m not his mother, he thumps, he kicks and he headbutts. He thumps my chest like he’s Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes. “You maniac! You have no food! Damn you”