First off, I have to apologise for my Dad. He claims to be too busy to write these and keep everyone up to date on my exploits but all he does with his time is stare at me, walk around the house with me, feed me and try to put me to sleep. You have loads of free time dad! Stop lying to the people!
Let me catch you up on whats been happening in Baby Ben world. Well actually not much if I’m honest. There have been people coming to visit me and as usual I’m a perfect baby host when they’re here. I know the drill, couple of little smiles, stare at them, contain the rage for as long as possible. People love that stuff.
Other stuff that I’m doing. I’m trying to break the world record for the amount of drool I can leave on Dads clothes. I’m also trying to break the record for the longest time an infant baby has been awake for. I will give both efforts my all.
I did have one traumatic experience that I need to share with you. Mam and Dad took me out for a spin in the car. They did not tell me where I was going. Charlatans. If they told me where they were taking me I would immediately caused a scene in my nappy to prevent it.
They took me to a waiting room in a big old looking building. They were both staring at me with worry in their eyes when we were in there so I should have known something was up. Normally Mam looks at me with love in her eyes and Dad constantly has fear in his.
I sat there for a few minutes, not making a racket even though I really could have, until they took me upstairs to a tiny room which looked familiar. In the familiar room there was a nurse who also looked familiar. I thought about it and remembered that the last time I was in this room they stripped me and put me on a weighing scales. No big deal.
Unfortunately, this time it was a little different. My parents, the charlatans, had hoodwinked me, they pulled the wool over my eyes, this was not going to be your average strip and get on a weighing scale type of visit. Oh no, this was going to be much worse.
Mam held me and took my trousers off and I should have known something was up right away because Dad just stood, a few yards away, staring at me with a big worried head. Tears building up in his eyes. “No need for the waterworks ya big softie, they’re just going to weigh me” I thought. I looked away from him and wondered if Dad had actually cried more than me since I was born and what that says about him and me. But then I looked up and saw Mams eyes. They looked a little glassy too. What? The? Fuck?
Out of nowhere, the lady who, up until now was nothing but a sweetheart, stabbed me in the left leg with a giant needle and then just because she didn’t want that first stab wound to get lonely, she grabbed another needle and jabbed that in beside the first one!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. You fuckers! You will all pay for this! All three of you! I’m going to keep you up all night every night! Say goodbye to your sleep you disgraceful excuse for parents! And you nurse Ratchet, I never ever want to see you again, we are done! you can get some other baby to strip and weigh, we have no relationship anymore, we are done!
So I took it well. I just about started to calm down a little bit when Mam turned me around so that my two gaping stab wounds weren’t facing the open air. She tried to comfort me while Nurse Ratchet and that other clown had a conversation.
“Are you ok Dad??” She asked him. Who gives a shit about him? I thought. You stabbed me twice woman, he just stood there and watched! He didn’t even try to help me.
Like I said, I was just about starting to calm down, Mam is good at calming me down but I assumed she should start putting my trousers back on. Why was she not putting my trousers back on yet? I couldn’t really see what was happening because at this stage I was staring at the wall but I could just about see over my shoulder, that harlet of a woman coming towards me with another giant needle.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH you fuckers!!!!! Three times!!!! I’ve been stabbed three times!! No! No! Stop crying Mam, you let this witch do this to me! How many times did you get stabbed today? Whats that? Zero, thats how many. Where is he? Where’s that travesty of a Father, he’s supposed to be protecting me. WHAT?? He’s crying too?? What is going on!! You drove me here! This is on you! Look, you guys are in so much trouble. You have no idea how much trouble.
So I took that well also. That was the last one. The stabbing had ended. They put me on the bed and Dad put my trousers back on. I smiled at him because I’m nice like that. He didn’t deserve it but I did him a kindness. Revenge is a dish best served some time in the future, when there’s an important football match on or when he’s trying to leave the house for something.
So yeah, not much going on. I’ll keep you posted.